Brenna Without Borders

The challenge I find with social media is how it is our highlight reel. We want everyone to see how much fun we are having, how successful we are, and all the good we have in our life.  Along with my Instagram, I also want to fill my blog with fun and entertaining posts about the one thing that is making me happy right now – travel. 

I would be lying if I said life was good right now.  In fact, life is straight-up challenging.  I feel as if God, (or whatever higher power you believe in) is giving me a brick wall every way I turn.  

The pandemic hit me harder than it hit others. I’m in a long-distance relationship that started the day the world shut down.  My company cut everyone’s pay by 20%, consequently not allowing me to pay my rent.  Hating my apartment anyways, I spent three months trying to find someone to sublease it and moving back into my childhood home with my mom and dad.  I watched as week after week, coworkers that I loved got laid off.  I sat in front of a computer screen Monday through Friday documenting everything I did that day, trying to prove my worth to my company.  By some unfortunate chance, I got to keep my job. 

As if that wasn’t enough, my 90-year-old grandpa moved in with us in October of 2020.  He fell two days into his stay with us, while I was “watching” him. He spent three weeks in a rehab facility and then due to covid my mom broke him out sooner than he would normally be released.  That led to 4 months of caretaking responsibilities, complicated relationships with my parents, and endless frustration. 

I began to feel as if I was 16 years old again and trapped in my parent’s house. That bedroom I couldn’t wait to say goodbye to, welcomed me back again. 

Showing up to a job I hate, a home that is overrun by overbearing family members, and a long way away from the man I love, I felt as if nothing will ever change. 

This post isn’t for me to mope and complain about my life.  This post is to say that life is really hard right now – BUT I refuse to give up. If life is really hard for you right now, I need you to say this with me, I will not quit. I am going to win.  There are better things coming.  

We need to believe – even in our worst moments – that there are good things on the horizon for us.  That the page will turn.  

We have to challenge ourselves to be where our feet are, no matter how difficult it will be.  But you also have to realize that you aren’t invincible.  That it’s okay, and even necessary, to ask for help. 

I have been going to counseling biweekly since Covid.  My counselor allows me to regulate my emotions during this tough time.  She has allowed me to process my feelings of moving back in with my parents, sorting out my relationship with my grandpa while he needs care, and how to stay where I am and still be excited about the future.  She also is covered by insurance.  I know a lot of people say they don’t want to pay to talk to someone about their feelings.  But I promise you that they give better advice than your friends and family because they are actually trained and they cost as much as any of the subscriptions you have and forget you have. 

I have thrown myself into hobbies.  Writing, reading, and doing yoga are about the only times I find peace anymore (besides traveling). Because these things bring me so much joy, I have carved out time to do them more.  

This pandemic has challenged us all. Some of us have lost loved ones, some of us have experienced loneliness on a whole other level.  Some of us had our careers – our identity – taken away from us.  But we need to ask, who are we now, and how can we move forward from a time that caused so much turmoil in our lives? How can we stay present in the moment and move into a better future? 

I don’t have the answers to all these questions, or any of them really, but I think they are important to ask.  To ponder, and see what we can come up with.  Who do we want to be on the other side of all this?  We aren’t made up of all the bad we go through, but rather we are made up of the character we developed while walking through the fire.  We are better because of the hard times.  Better is coming, in us and for us. Trust the timing.