Brenna Without Borders

I don’t like the stigma that the words “mental health” carries.  I also don’t like the way people look at you when you use the words “depression” or “anxiety”.  This is probably the reason that for a very long time I never admitted that anxiety and depression was exactly what I was experiencing.  This face that all people give you when you tell them you are depressed, is the reason I never told anyone that I was depressed. 

I don’t like the way I looked at myself when I admitted that I was depressed.  I wanted to be known as “happy” and “life giving”, not, “sad, soul sucking”. 

I also don’t like that it has taken me this long to normalize these words.  Admitting that I was depressed did not make me weak, it actually made me brave, because I was choosing to do something about it.  Saying I had anxiety did not mean I was a control freak, it meant that I was acknowledging there was something I was struggling with and was actually controlling me. 

Why were we never taught that it’s okay to feel all your feelings? 

I’m 26 and I just learned this year that in order to move past hard feelings, I have to stop and allow myself to feel them.  I have to ask myself what these feelings are teaching me.

Why did no one teach us this sooner?!

I started counseling (therapy, whatever you want to call it) in November of 2019.  The original reason I started going was because I started having panic attacks pretty regularly.  Usually while I was driving, specifically, while I was trying to find parking near my city apartment.  Sounds stupid right? 

I was so embarrassed and I wanted the panic attacks to stop as soon as possible so I sought help. 

I thought we would talk about the panic attacks, the anxiety, and implement a coping mechanism. Done and I could check it off my list.  

Instead, we started at the bottom.  She asked me questions about myself. 

What are your family relationships like? 

How is your work environment? 

Do you have supportive friends? 

What are your romantic relationships like? Are they toxic or healthy? 

I found the more I talked, the more I felt.  I left my 50 minute session completely emotionally exhausted.  Often, I went home and sat in silence, processing everything that was just discussed.  I had pushed my feelings away for so long, the first few sessions were the hardest. 

The more I talked, the more I healed.  I had no idea how much I had damaged myself by not allowing myself to feel. 

It seemed that the panic attacks were the results of repressed feelings being bottled up for so long and having no where to go.  When a slight inconvenience presented itself (no parking spaces) my heart rate elevated, my brain stopped processing correctly, resulting in a panic attack. 

I’ve always known I had more feelings than most, That I felt deeper than others. I also figured it was my job to shove them away forcefully in fear of not appearing to feel equal to others.  In fear of not being “normal”.

Consequently, my feelings would build up and burst out in inappropriate ways. I didn’t know how to manage my emotions so I drank too much, I yelled and got angry, I had panic attacks and cried. 

Counseling allowed me to talk through all of this.  The more I talked, the more I healed. 

Writing this makes me uncomfortable and emotional, I don’t want to overshare.   But I do want people to know that if you feel or have acted inappropriately in managing your emotions,  you are not alone. None of this is easy to talk about, but I am hoping that the more we talk about it, the easier it will get. 

I’m grateful for the people who stayed with me.  The friends that knew I am not equal to the poor decisions I made. The friends who love me no matter what I was going through. 

I am sad for the people who were in my life when I couldn’t manage or process my feelings better.  But most importantly, I give myself grace for not knowing any better and doing the best I could.  

I don’t write this for you to feel sorry for me, I write this as someone who never wanted to be identified as depressed, but probably was.  I write this as someone who went through some very hard stuff mentally and emotionally and finally feels like I am out of the tunnel.  

I want to talk about mental health because I want others to know they aren’t alone.  I want to constantly be reaching to understand myself better and others. 

If you are in the dark now, I promise the tunnel is not endless. There is light and it is coming for you soon.  Hang in there.